The dance of deception

Description

When The Dance of Deceptionwas published, Lerner discovered that women were not eager to identify with the subject. "Well, I don't do deception" was a common resonse.We all "do deception", often with the intention to protect ourselves and the relationships we depend on. The Dance of Deceptionunravels the ways (and whys) that women show the false and hide the real — even to our own selves. We see how relationships are affected by lying and faking, by silence and pretending and by brave — but misguided — efforts to tell the truth.Truth-telling is at the heart of what is most central in women's lives. It is at the foundation of authenticity and creativity, intimacy and joy. Yet in the name of "honesty", we can bludgeon each other. We can approach a difficult issue with such a poor sense of timing and tact that we can actually shut down the lines of communication rather than widening the path of truth-telling.Sometimes Lerner's advice takes a surprising turn — for example, when she asks us to engage in a bold act of pretending in order to discover something "more real"; or when she tells us not to parachute down on our family to bring up a "hot issue" without laying the necessary groundwork first.Whether the subject is affairs, family secrets, sexual faking or the challenge of "being oneself", Lerner helps us to discover, speak and live our own truths.

First Sentence

Marla was secure.

Description

In this fresh, challenging new book, Dr. Lerner invites us to join her in a groundbreaking exploration of the many faces of truth and deception in women's lives. Through examples that are both startlingly intimate and deeply political, Dr. Lerner provides us with bold insights into the countless ways (and whys) that women show the false and hide the real. Deception is not a "woman's problem," or even a uniquely human phenomenon: From viruses to large mammals, deception is continuously at play. We are all affected by lying and faking, by silence and pretending, by self-deception, and by brave - as well as misguided - efforts to tell the truth. Dr. Lerner shows us that women's failure to live authentically and speak truly deserves our closest attention. She illustrates how pretending is so closely linked with femininity that it is, quite simply, what the culture teaches us to do.^ Truth-telling is the central challenge in women's lives, the foundation of intimacy, self-regard, and joy. At the center of a woman's life is the quest to discover, speak and live her own truth, to cease living a life dictated and defined by others. Yet in the name of "truth" or "being ourselves," we may hurt others by disregarding their different realities and move situations from bad to worse. How can we approach the process of truth-telling, of knowing and being known, of refining and deepening our disclosures to one another? Like peace-making, truthtelling does not just "happen." Sometimes it must be worked toward and planned. Drawing on more than two decades of clinical experience, Dr. Lerner articulates her rich philosophy and thoughtful guidelines about speaking out and holding back. She shows us how honesty can sometimes impede truth-telling and how pretending can be a bold move toward the truth, rather than a misdirected flight from it.^ She examines how patriarchy shapes what truths a woman can uncover, share, and invent about herself. And she teaches us how to widen the path to truth-telling for everyone. The Dance of Deception is Harriet Lerner's most timely, provocative, and passionate work to date. From sexual faking to family secrets, readers will be rewarded with important insights into how we engage in deception and approach truth-telling - a subject that is at the heart of who we are in the world and what kind of world this is.

Subjects

Other Editions

• The dance of deception: pretending and truth-telling in women's livesHarperCollins Publishers1993-01-01
• The dance of deceptionPandora1993-01-01
• The dance of deceptionPandora Press1993-01-01
• The dance of deceptionHarperPerennial Publishers1994-01-01
• Dance of DeceptionAudio CassetteHarper Audio1994-01-01
• Dance of DeceptionPaperbackHarperCollins Publishers1994-02-01